Recently I read More Happy Than Not by Adam Silvera and it killed me. That book had me trying not to cry. I NEVER CRY WITH BOOKS!!! After I was done I was warming up something to eat while suppressing sobs. I had to talk to my friends, I had to breath in and I had to distract myself because I felt broken. There is a reason that this book killed me this way and that is that it hit way too close to home. This book is about a boy named, Aaron Soto whose dad’s killed himself and he’s trying to move on. Long story short he starts falling for a guy but he has a girlfriend. He then decides that he was to get this procedure where you can erase/repress certain memories and he wants to do it so he can forget that part of him. He wants to do it because it’s easier being straight than gay. Reading that you might guess why it broke me, but if you don’t let me break it down. I’m a gay woman (hey, if you didn’t know then now you do. If you know my grandma DO NOT say a word) and I’ve been in that position. Being gay is hard, the discrimination, the inequality, the hate crime, the hate in general, and just the way we are seen as abnormal. When I found I was gay I got depressed, I truly wanted to die because being straight is what everyone expects you to be and the only way to be treated like everyone else. Being gay is being told that you’re an abomination, that you shouldn’t get married or have kids, it’s believing in a God and hearing how He will condemn you, it’s being scared of holding hands, being afraid of getting killed, not seeing yourself represented, having to come out to the world while being deadly scared of the consequences, being gay is having the world against you. Even those that support you are reminding you that you’re not normal because they’re fighting for your rights and that reminds you that you don’t have them, because they feel like they have to fight for you because it’s necessary, because they ask for representation and would try to support others like you and that reminds you that it’s needed because to the world you’re not normal. You are grateful for the allies that remind you that you deserve those things but being gay is needing those allies because you’re different. I don’t want you to think that we are ungrateful and that we are criticizing them but I’m reminding you and everyone than being gay, or queer in general, is this constant reminder that you are not considered normal.
This is why I did not want to be gay. I did not want to have my family act weird, I did not want to be scared, I did not want to have to fight for my rights, to have people treat me different, to have to come out to the world. I’m not going to start with how having to come out shouldn’t be a thing, but the movie Love, Simon is full of moments talking about it. So, life is different when you’re gay and I did not want to deal with that. I just wanted a normal life and realizing I was not getting it sucked. I hated myself. I was, am, so scared of hell and I would constantly ask God why made me this way only to condemn me. If being gay was a choice then I would’ve decided on not being it. I was in a heterosexual relationship and I considered continuing it because I was told that I could choose to be straight.
So, this whole story reflects on that, on the possibility of that choice and if you would take it. There could be many consequences but how far would you go to be straight? This story reminded me that I am not the only one feeling this way. If it was me, how far would I go to not be gay? This is why this book is so important because it makes you reflect on this topic, on you felt, how you feel, what would you do, but most importantly it tells the story of a lot of people in the queer community. If you ever felt this way you will cry, you will not be okay, but you will not feel alone in these feelings anymore.
Straight people should read this book so they can see that it isn’t a choice.
This post is a mess, but I just needed to talk about it. PLEASE, read this book. It is only 295 pages and it will help you. I just adore this book.
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** TO MAKE IT CLEAR, I AM NOT SAYING US GAYS, OR QUEER IN GENERAL, ARE ABNORMAL BUT THAT THE WORLD SEES US THIS WAY**