Hey-o! I is back with another #QueerPostsByQueerPeople and today we got Adriana M. talking about her bisexual experience.
When I was seventeen, my then-boyfriend proclaimed that seeing two girls kiss was hot, and it filled me up with confused and righteous anger. When I asked him why he didn’t think the same about two men kissing he shrugged and said it just wasn’t the same. On the way home that day, I couldn’t help but realize that I had for a long time been thinking about kissing girls, not my boyfriend. Not long after that, I broke up with him.
Back then I rationalized the breakup many different ways: he was already in college while I wanted to enjoy my last year of high school; I had plans of going to the US to study; I didn’t feel the same about him as I did when I was fifteen. Really, it could all be boiled down to the fact that I wanted space to grow into who I was and he wasn’t going to give me that. Along the way, I broke two hearts, mine and his, but mine learned to mend faster than his because I was ready.
Throughout my senior year, I spent more time with my friends, and with myself. I was trying to relearn who I was before I got brainwashed into thinking my entire existence revolved around my desire for boys and men. What did it mean to have so many “girl crushes,” and what did it mean when I overcompensated with how many men I found hot (I had a list of over 100 hot male celebrities that I made with my friends because of course, I did).
A year later, I was well into my first year of college. I had a solid group of friends, a roommate who didn’t hate me and in fact became a close friend, and though struggling with my classes, I felt great. And yet, I kept coming back to my main questions: who did I like? Did I really like boys? What did it mean that I found girls pretty, and not always in a platonic way? I took so many online surveys it’s hilarious in hindsight. And yet, I did what I’d done many times: shoved the feelings aside, brushed it off as a passing phase (after all, people say that college is the time for your sexual exploration, to find out what you liked). My sexuality was like a suitcase I kept packing and repacking. I didn’t know where I was going, what the climate was going to be like, but I knew I had to have this suitcase because it was essential for my travels.
I kept going about my life, and in my second year of college, there was a girl flirting with me. And I didn’t know what to do. It was exhilarating and confusing, I was still in the middle of figuring out myself. She invited me to a house party, and I gladly accepted the invitation. One, I’d never been to a college party, and two, there was someone interested in me! And I was gladly reciprocating, my suitcase left disheveled once more.
That party ended up in disaster though. The girl spent the entire time drinking and then tried to make a pass at me, even after she told me she had a girlfriend who was just out of town. I made my escape, but I was in shock. Here was this girl who was indeed interested in me, who I’d confided about the newness of my sexuality. And I felt betrayed and heartbroken.
All this time trying to figure out who I could be able to love, I didn’t realize that it just opened me up to even more heartbreak. It opened up a new monster: biphobia and the ways in which I had internalized it. I had so much to learn, and so much to unlearn. Even though all of this journey, all the inner and external turmoil just made me wish harder to find someone who’d accept me for me. I learned that I didn’t have to be out to everyone, I didn’t have to do something that could put me at risk of discrimination or toxicity, and there has been a lot of it. I found community online, I found visibility in media (I’ll attach at the bottom a list of books that have made me feel seen), and in the process, I’ve come to terms that this suitcase I’ve been carrying for the past six or more years is ever-changing.
Right now, I’m steadfast in my belief that I identify as bisexual, in that I’m attracted to people of the same gender with which I identify as well as to other genders. But I also believe that it won’t necessarily be that way in six more years. Identity is a fickle thing for me. I just know I gotta board my flight, no matter what is in the suitcase, because I’ve been looking forward to this trip for the longest time.
Five Books with Bisexual Characters that Have Made Me Feel Seen:
- Labyrinth Lostby Zoraida Cordova
- Wild Beauty by Anna-Marie McLemore
- How To Make a Wishby Ashley Herring Blake
- They Both Die at the Endby Adam Silvera
- Not Your Sidekick by C.B. Lee
Adriana’s social media handle:
Well, that was Adriana. I really hope you loved it as much as I did.